too bad you live with your parents still
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
