Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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