dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
