No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
