It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
