So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
