Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
