the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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