If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
