She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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