my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
