So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I could fuck to npr.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize