guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
