I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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