I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
