I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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