is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
