Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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