So drunk its hurt
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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