i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
