So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
