I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
