I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
