Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Randomize
