So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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