Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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