I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
