You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
