she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
