look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
