My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
