Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
