My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Crop dusting thru forever 21
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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