dude i'm inner monologue high
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The beers last night were like the tears from god
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
