What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
