I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
