Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
