I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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