If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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