I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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