If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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