Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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