I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
