Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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