they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
