3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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