my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
