I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
