sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
