He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
