They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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