I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
