my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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