just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
