We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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