soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
