I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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