R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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